Self contradicting phrase of the day ('oxymoron')..


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

REAL CAPITALISM You would like two cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You act surprised when the cow drops dead. (revision by Paul McNiel 21/02/03)

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows to increase your share price on the stock market. You get Anderson to audit your business. You loose your business and you loose your cows.

(anon submission 12/7/02)

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.  The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.    The public buys your bull!

MICROSOFT You have two cows. You make a deal with dairies to buy no one's milk but yours. Unable to sell milk, the other cow owners sell cheese. You give away cheese to drive them out of business. When you control dairyland you charge a royalty on every cheeseburger and grilled cheese sandwich sold in the world.

INTERNETISM You have You get sued for $100,000 by a company sporting a similar name claiming economic damage. You loose everything. (Thanks  to Jon Kraft for this  one! 24/07/02) 

ADVERTISING AGENCY You have two cows. You over charge people for your dairy products to finance an advertising campaign that grossly overstates the importance of milk.

LAWYERISM You see two cows and note that their milk has not been labeled "Contains lactose." You find 20 lactose-intolerant people, start a class action suit against the owner of the cows, the regional dairy co-operative, the distributor and the retailer. You settle out of court for 1,000,000. Lactose intolerant milk drinkers get five quid each. You get the rest. You act surprised when the owner goes berserk and shoots his cows. You feign astonishment when the dairy co-op, the distributor and the retailer all go out of business.

INDUSTRIALISM You have two cows. You dissect them both, and figure out how to build
a milk-factory instead.

E-BAYISM You have "TWO COWS MINT RARE L@@K!!!!!!!".  Two people get into abidding war to
see who gets to overpay for the cows.  The winner takes 3 months to send you money, then gives
you negative feedback when their milk doesn't pop out in half-gallon containers.

(Thanks  to Andrew Verner for this  one! 01/10/02) 

AOL-ISM  You have two cows. You paint them bright orange, stick friendly lables all over the place (such as "cow" and "pull here for milk") and market them to people as "the cow made easy". Other people call them "the cow made stupid". Unfortunately, your cows are not compatible with other cows and you are taken to court. (Thanks  to Josh Pauw  for this  one! 29/11/02)


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